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Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

More than anyone, ever....

26 May 2015

One strange thing about being happy again is that I am so much more aware of how easily we tell people things such as: I have never been this happy before. If you say it to your current partner as a non-widowed person, it makes them feel good and you may very well mean it. When that thought comes to MY mind, as a widow, I swallow the words before saying them out loud. Because how do i know this is true? My relationship with Jane was fine. We were happy. I am happy now. The relationship ended because Jane died, not because we fell out of love. If I say: I have never been this happy....am I lying? Am I just saying it because I am just so happy right now? is it betrayal of Jane? Is it just the kind of thing people say without really thinking what that actually means? Do we say it because we simply cannot find other words to express how happy we feel and the only way we can express it is by stating this happiness is better than anything else, ever? Does anyone ever know it is actually really true when they say stuff like that? Deep down, everyone wants their partner to think they make them happier than ANYONE ELSE, EVER. Will The Wife think: Wow, I make her happier than her late wife did? Or will she think: Really? Does she really mean that or is she just saying it?

Declarations of love are often loaded in a way we don't realise. Things such as: I have never felt like this, or: you make me happier than I have ever been roll off the tongue easily and I have no doubt most people really mean it when they say it. And it is such a nice gift to give to your partner: to make them feel they are in every sense better than anyone else, that only they truly understand you etc.

When you are widowed, such things become a minefield. Sometimes I get frustrated that I can't just blurt such things out, like most other people can.


The Wife said...

I'm very philosophical about these things. How does anyone know they are happier than they've ever been? Maybe your happiest moment was actually on your fifth birthday when they finally bought you that miniature drum kit you'd been asking for for a month. Luckily memory doesn't work like that. If you blurt that kind of thing out, I know it may or may not be objectively true - but who cares? I know what you're actually saying is, "I am really bloody happy," and that you mean it.

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