Bunny who?

Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

I made it!

15 August 2015

Dear Jane,

Today is monumental. From the despair of your illness and the sadness of losing such a brilliant young mind has come something positive: today my mentor put her signature to a piece of paper that say she feels I will be an excellent nurse. I couldn't, and wouldn't, have done it without you.

I know! I can't believe it either...
I remember, back in Leamington Spa, that I completed an application for the position of Ambulance Technician in Coventry. I remember being upset when I didn't get the job, only because I did not have the right driving licence and they had many applicants who did have that particular bit of paper. We discussed that maybe I could go to Coventry University and train as a paramedic. We agreed that I would go back to university and do it once you were finished with your BSc, MSc and then your PhD. And in a way, that is what happened.

I have already apologised for nagging you in the past when you were writing your dissertations. I am only too glad you were not around to witness the hypocrisy I displayed by moaning constantly at The Wife that she should stop nagging me about it....

When I started university, everything revolved around you: all my learning, all the questions I had, all my medications, all my interests, all my tears, all the recognition, all my patients, all my empathy for people with similar conditions...it wasn't about me. It was about learning to place your illness in context. I wanted to re-trace all the medical and nursing interventions you had and understand each one. As time went on, as my life was no longer about losing you every minute of the day, I felt lost for a while. If this wasn't about you, then why was I doing this?

After a very difficult second year, in which I seriously contemplated leaving the course, this year has been great. I have found my feet and although still very much thinking I am in way over my head, I seem to have become a nurse, or at least, ready to start working as one. You have inspired me throughout. Many people, after hearing your story, have called me brave or told me how amazing it is that I am now a nurse. To me, it feels entirely natural. I hope that I can care as well for others as I cared for you and do the things I did wrong with you better with others.

When I applied to nursing school at 18, I was too young and immature. I always regretted not going back. Because of you, I could. You have made my dream come true. Thank you.
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