12 April 2019

You would need a personality transplant...

I'm listening to an audio book about dealing with low self esteem. This chapter is about humans' inate ability to change, grow and adapt in personal relationships. That personal growth and allowing yourself to believe you can grow and change, is vital for a healthy self esteem. About how we say stuff to ourselves that we would never say to others.

When you tell yourself you are unable to grow, you are actively telling yourself you are not worth anymore than what you have today. Imagine if a loved one said that there is no use in ever trying to be better than you are right now. How would that make you feel.

I don't need to imagine that. My wife told me that. She said: "I have changed. I have learned what I want from a partner. It isn't someone like you. You would need a personality transplant to be someone I want to spend my life with." And when I asked her why she never told me what she needed, she said  "I just didn't think you could change, so I never felt there was a point in asking you to. Or mentioning that I needed something else from a partner".

Since we split up, she has radically changed how she lives, behaves and interacts with friends. She says she has learned so much from me. That being with me has helped her change and grow and become a different person. Change was fine for her, but she judged me incapable of doing so.
Change and growth is an inate part of being human. My wife, the woman I love and trusted with my heart and soul, basically told me that I lack basic human skills.
And yet she claimed I was the one patronising her.

C talks to friends about what happened. But she doesn't share as much as I do. So nobody says: Christ C, that is a harsh thing to say to someone you claim to love and respect.  Because she doesn't tell anyone that's the kind of stuff she said. She just tells them she changed and I didn't change with her. That we grew apart. And people are understanding of that. So her own narrative is constantly reinforced.

God I miss her. And I hate myself for that. She has treated me appallingly. What kind of person would miss someone like that? A person with no self esteem. A person like me.

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